Childhood friends...

Max has been going to the same babysitter since he was 3 months old. Now he is 5 and heading to kindergarten in August...but I hope he will always remember the friendships established at such an early age. Trinia Knepp is his babysitter - and I can't say enough about her and the way she has helped raise my little man. As a working mom, I have constantly worried about not being there for Max day in and day out, but I can honestly say Trinia has treated Max as one of her own. Max has found many, many friends at Trinia's. I have tried to get pictures here and there to share with him when he gets older, like one I snapped of him and a buddy Emma dressed as a little Amish couple (I didn't even recognize him when I got to Trinia's to pick him up)! The other day I happened to have my camera when I stopped to pick Max up, and all the kids were playing outside. I couldn't resist taking some snapshots for Max to look at when he gets older - because him and his friends will all be going to different schools in different towns. I hope they will reconnect one day and remember the "good old times." These kids are all so sweet and I know Max will really miss them when school starts!

Max, Landon, & Lydia in the sandbox

Max and best buddy Landon

Max and Lydia

Sweet Grant

I haven't shared any photos of our dog, Susie, since we got her several months ago. She has gone from little puppy to pretty huge in just a couple of months - her and Max are big buddies and will probably run around together all summer long!

I snapped this picture of Susie and our home as we were on a walk a couple of nights ago:) The weather change has made all the difference for me - I actually feel well enough to not be as whiny and even get my camera out and enjoy life a little:) By the way, one week from today we find out whether this little Swartzentruber baby is a boy or a girl - can't wait!!

Weekend Getaway

It's so nice to get away sometimes - and this past weekend we headed to Greenwood/Southport in order to cheer on our ND Cougars! We went ahead up on Friday night to spend the night at a hotel, eat out at Joe's Crab Shack, and swim in the indoor pool:) My parents and my in-laws came along too, so we had a big family weekend which was so much fun!

On Saturday we all headed to the mall, where I got my needed shopping fix:) Then we went to the game and cheered on the Cougars! Even though we ended up losing, we still had such a great time and it was so nice to "get away" for a short weekend trip!

Now it's Monday and back to reality...but if I survive this week, next week is Spring Break:)!!

Kindergarten

Tomorrow afternoon I will be walking into North Daviess Elementary School to sign my little man up for kindergarten. I really can't believe the time is already here - it can't be that the little tiny bundle I held in my arms 5 years ago is independent, strong, spunky, and ready for school. He already loves preschool and I'm not too worried about him transitioning into kindergarten, because he seems to really enjoy the school atmosphere and learning in general. Mommy will be much more upset about sending him then he will be about going. This weekend we are traveling to Southport to cheer on the Cougars in semi-state! Max is really excited about our Friday night stay in a hotel (where he will be able to swim)! It should be fun - I'm sure I will come home with lots of pictures to share.

One struggle we are having right now is keeping Max in his own bed at night. We have always kinda struggled with this, but it's gotten worse. Max has suddenly become extremely afraid of coyotes - which we can sometimes hear howling at night. He has heard Gabe talk about them, and then he also heard some at Nana and Papa's one night. He does go to sleep in his own bed as long as I'm laying down with him, but wakes up each night at around midnight and comes to our bed. When he climbs into our bed he wakes me and asks me questions, like "Can the coyotes get in our house, Mom?" or "Can the coyotes see in the windows?" Now he is terrified of the window in his room, so I promised to get him a curtain as soon as I go to Walmart next. If he just came in our bed and slept soundly - it would be no big deal. But he tosses, turns, kicks, etc.! This kid is a moving-machine while he sleeps! So in turn - Gabe and I get NO sleep:( O well, I keep telling myself that it won't last forever - soon Max will be 'too cool' to sleep with his mom and won't want to have anything to do with me. Right now I just need to cherish the cuddle time I can still steal with him:)

The pregnancy is going well right now - I am 18 weeks and feeling alot better than before. I won't say the sickness has completely gone away - but I am definantely improved. Although the Dr. says I still have not gained any weight, there is a definate 'baby bump' now and I'm feeling more hungry than before. The last few weeks I have been on a slushie kick - so everytime I pass a gas station or Dairy Queen I MUST stop and get a red slushie. Wierd - but it just seems to hit the spot:) Only two weeks until we find out if this Swartzentruber baby will be a boy or a girl - I'm excited to finally know and begin talking about names and buying pink or blue baby stuff!

Losing my grandma...

Lillie Catherine "Cassie" Raber

All my life I have believed that everyone goes through both highs and lows in life...I've always encouraged others to praise God during whatever storm they might be facing. I have believed in myself as a "good Christian" because I never had any reason to doubt in my God, never been low enough to doubt my ability to get back up.

Next week I will turn 30, and I can honestly say that I've had an exceptional life. There have been very few disappointments, not many times when I've been truly alone, never moments when I've felt significantly disconnected to God. I almost felt immune to true sickness, immortality, heartbreak. Things were sailing along pretty darn good for 29 straight years.

The last few months have torn me apart. Most people will doubt the severity of the sickness I've dealt with during this pregnancy. I won't ever be able to put into words how enduring this time in my life has changed me. I believe I not only had severe all-day, round the clock "morning sickness," but also dealt with a deep depression that came along with the pregnancy hormones. Never again do I want to be that low. But I don't know if any of this compares to the news I received on Sunday evening.

I had just sat down to begin a brand-new journal for this little bean in my belly, the first time I felt well enough to sit down and write down my thoughts for this new baby. I kept a journal the whole time I was pregnant with Max, and wanted to do the same for this baby. I had just penned the first line in my new journal when the phone rang. Gabe answered, but I could hear my mom sobbing on the other end - my heart stopped. I dropped my pen and tried to make out her words.

"Hurry..........grandma........CPR........doesn't look good."

Gabe hung up and told me to get my coat, we needed to go to the hospital because something was wrong with my grandma (My dad's mom). I grabbed Max and my purse, we jumped in the car and Gabe sped to Washington. All the way there I sobbed, crying out to God to save her, let me see her one more time, praying like I've never prayed before. But as I prayed I knew. I knew she was gone. I could feel in my heart that my sweet grandma wasn't here on Earth with us anymore.

When we got to the emergency room they immediately led our whole family (all the sons, daughters, and grandchildren were there) to the chapel and we all knew. I can't explain the next hour or so, but I will tell you that the devastation and despair was beyond anything we had ever felt before.

I guess I should tell you that our family is closer than most.

I guess I should tell you that we met every single Saturday at my grandma's house for family dinner, where she always prepared a feast as if each Saturday was Christmas day.

I guess I should also let you know that Max was "Grandma GG's" only great grandchild, and her pride and joy.

I should tell you I spent countless days with my grandma, her teaching me to cook, showing me how to sew blankets, getting off the bus at her house, and just sitting and talking to her.
And finally, I guess I should tell you that my grandma was the glue that held our family together.

And in one instant - with no warning or indication - God called her home. We had no time to say goodbye. I never knew that when I left her house on Saturday I would never feel her kiss my forehead again...I would never watch her brush her long white hair before pinning it back and replacing her covering...I would never taste her church cookies again or watch her bake my favorite pie. I will never again hear her tell me she loves me. And my heart is shattered.

This week was a blur with the two days for the viewing, the funeral and burial yesterday. We (the 6 grandchildren) shared our favorite memories of Grandma at the funeral - so hard to do but I'm so glad we did. It felt like our last gift to her.

Grandpa is now alone at the home he shared with my grandma, who he was married to for 64 years. It doesn't feel real - that she is not at home making cookies or picking up the phone to call me and ask what Max is doing.

But one thing does feel very real - and that is the embrace of Jesus. My family has cried so many tears, we have fallen down and picked each other up, and we have trusted in our Savior. We have prayed over grandma and sang to her...and Jesus has NEVER left our sides. The important lesson I've learned is that while on this earth we will all face trials. We might go years having smooth sailing in life...but at some point we have to come to the realization that we are not in control but Jesus is.

John 16:33

"In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world."

John 14:27

"I'm leaving you with a gift, peace of mind and heart. And the peace that I give isn't fragile like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled, don't be afraid."

These two verses have given me so much comfort over the last few days. The first one reminds me that he has already won the battle - we don't have to fight.

The second one gives me hope that God can give me peace of mind NO MATTER WHAT. Even when I'm missing my grandma so much it physically hurts, he will calm my heart and let me not be afraid of tomorrow.

These are the words I am leaning on...and making it thru because of prayers from family and friends. God never said life would be easy, He just promised it would be worth it.

Love you so much, Grandma!

Kindness...

This morning after I dropped Max off in Loogootee, I stopped at McDonald's for a strawberry and banana smoothie before work. When I got up to the window to pay, the cashier told me that the man in the truck in front of me paid for my smoothie. I didn't know what to say. When kindness smacks you right between the eyes out of nowhere...it leaves you speechless.
And as I was processing this, very quietly in the background I heard "Jesus loves you....Jesus loves you..." coming from the radio. I had turned it to a Christian station (which I don't usually have my radio set on). I knew God was sending me a message.
Even through my foul moods, my morning sickness, my whining and my exhaustion - God reached through all of that and touched my heart. He reminded me that kindness can be very small and random, or it can be huge and overwhelming. He reminded me that people who care can make all the difference. He nudged me to overcome my attitude and feel his presence again.

All this from a thoughtful guy in the McDonald's drive-thru this morning...
Thank you would not be near enough...

Rough, rough, rough...still feeling rough.
Most of you know I had to make a trip to the hospital last week for fluids due to dehydration.
Gosh, I'm tired.

But happy to read this in my daily devotional email today:

I'm leaving you with a gift, peace of mind and heart.
And the peace that I give isn't fragile like the peace the world gives.
So don't be troubled, don't be afraid.
John 14:27 LB

I have to work on a daily basis to rid my heart of this fear. Fear for my little peanut in my belly. Fear about neglecting Max while I've been so sick. Fear that my husband is going to get tired of taking care of me and just decide to walk out. Fear that my house will never be clean again. Fear that I will have to go back to the hospital because I am so very sick. Fear has taken over. But God's words are pushing out that fear...comforting me when there is nothing I need more. I WILL get through this. People have done it before me and they will continue to do it after my sweet little baby bean has entered this world and all this is a distant memory.

Changes...

Wow- have things changed! As I look back at my November & December posts about being so happy, content, and just all around settled. Funny how finding out I was pregnant turned my world upside down! We had hoped and prayed for this, and are very excited to add a new little one into our family, no matter how rough the road. I don't want to ever sound ungrateful for this pregnancy, because God has blessed me beyond measure...but oh how life has changed.

I had forgotten just how debilitating pregnancy sickness can be. Life has pretty much come to a standstill for me - I can't eat much of anything, I don't sleep at all, it is extremely hard for me to be the mother I want to be for Max, the house sits unclean, the laundry stacks up - I'm just stuck. Sitting in the house counting the minutes until one day is over and the next begins, only feeling hopeless about a new day starting. Because I will feel the same- sick. So sick that at most given moments I'm just trying to hold the gagging back in my throat. So sick that it is hard for me to read to my little boy each evening before bed. My whole body trembles constantly in pain and fear.

Feeling like this is so isolating...I can't really go out and do ANYTHING, interact with anyone, and my poor husband and son are stuck to deal with me. I am hoping it begins to ease within the next few weeks (as my first trimester ends), but am not getting my hopes up. I realize that some people will be offended by this post, that I'm complaining when God has blessed me with a baby. Please understand that I am only stating how I feel at this moment - and I know there will be times during this pregnancy that my heart leaps for joy and I won't be able to contain my excitment:) I just keep reminding myself to praise God thru this storm...I would have NOTHING without HIM.

Ok - to rewind a bit, I want to get caught up on the end of December & early January with photos! On New Year's Eve we ended up having my mom & dad, and my two cousins with their significant others over to celebrate, since I knew I wouldn't be getting out and doing anything. We had a really great meal (thanks Jessica) and then played the Wii for awhile, ended the evening with lots of laughs and 4 empty bottles of sparkling grape juice:) Earlier this week I was able to drag myself out of the house to take Max to Jasper to watch the Harlem Globetrotters - it was super cute and Max thought it was the funniest thing ever:) We had a nice evening with Gabe's parents & sister & brother-in-law and it was good to get out among other people - here are a few photos from that night:

Thanks for listening...and sorry about the whining! haha!