Monday, April 12, 2010

Fresh Wound

Tonight I write to you as a mother whose heart is aching...
as someone who would do anything to take away the pain in her son's eyes...
with tears streaming down my face I am trying to sort this out...
trying to find a way to make it all better.

Tonight I was giving Max his bath and he was acting up, so I got after him a little and he immediately started crying. I wrapped him up in a towel and held him while he sobbed. I don't mean just a normal cry, these were heart-wrenching sobs. The kind of cry that you realize something is going on much deeper. Something is tearing my sweet boy's heart apart.

I asked him what was wrong...and answered "I just love you so much, Mommy." I tried to comfort him and soothe him...telling him that I am here, always here.

As we settled into bed he continued to cry his little heart out...struggling to breath as the sobs wracked his body. I begged him to tell me what was making him cry...but I knew. I knew in my heart that this little boy was letting out emotions that he had been disguising for days...for months...for too long.
He misses his Daddy.

His Dad is off fighting his own demons...miles and miles away addressing some things that should have been confronted long ago. But this past weekend he was home and Max was able to visit him. When Max returned home on Sunday he explained that Daddy had given him something "special." It is a gold coin to hold...and his Daddy told him when he begins to miss him to hold it in his hand and talk to God - and God will tell Daddy what he says.

The crying continues until I ask Max if he wants his gold coin. With a slight nod, he acknowledges everything I had assumed. As soon as the coin is in his hand, his sobs become a whimper and he clinches it with everything he has. He silently sends his prayer up and begins to fall asleep. His heavy eyes close...and here I am. Left to unravel all that has transpired. It is twisted around me and I feel imprisoned...having no way to untangle myself or my sweet little man. Feeling like a failure for not having the words to explain or the touch to heal our broken hearts.

So I will lay down next to him...savoring the smell of his freshly washed hair, praying to my Savior that He will give me the strength to get up in the morning and put on a smile for my little one - so that I am able to show him it is another day and we will make it. We will overcome the tangled mess I've made of our lives.

7 comments:

Leah Robinson said...

Oh Abbie, I cry as I read your words because I too have been in your shoes. I know you would do everything in your power to take any hurt and pain away from Max! It's hard on little ones that don't understand reality, only understand their daddy is not around as much anymore. But I promise you, as long as you keep loving him, he will understand it all one day!! He will know you've done everything for HIS best interest! Kepp your head up hun!! God is watching over your family =)

The Gingerich Family said...

O' Abbie...my heart is aching for you and Max. But remember that you are not to blame. You are right that you can show Max that tomorrow is a new day and that we can be renewed because of Christ. You can show Max what love is because Christ showed you what love is. I have been leaning on you for the last couple of weeks, so if you need to lean on me just let me know and I will be there. Hang in there...Love ya girl

Chelsa said...

praying for your sweet little man and you! I hate that you say YOU have made a mess of your lives... you aren't to blame. You are one heck of a momma and I hope I can be half as good as you!

kathykellen said...

Oh Abbie! I have tears in my eyes as I read this!
You have my prayers that God will give you wisdom, though it sounds like you did the right thing in offering Max his gold coin! So I'm praying for comfort and rest for you and Max!
Hugs to you both!
Much love,
Kathy

Jen said...

I had tears and goosebumps all at the same time. I will pray for strength and love. Hang in there. Max is lucky to have such a wonderful mother. God Bless! :)

Tera said...

Ohhh, Abbie. I'm praying for you guys!

Ashley said...

When I was reading your post my heart was aching for you. Don't say that you have made a mess of your lives! I know from reading your blog that you had tried your hardest and beyond what a lot of people would have done. Don't be too hard on yourself b/c you are a GREAT mom!! That is sweet that his dad did give him that coin and told him that.