as someone who would do anything to take away the pain in her son's eyes...
with tears streaming down my face I am trying to sort this out...
trying to find a way to make it all better.
Tonight I was giving Max his bath and he was acting up, so I got after him a little and he immediately started crying. I wrapped him up in a towel and held him while he sobbed. I don't mean just a normal cry, these were heart-wrenching sobs. The kind of cry that you realize something is going on much deeper. Something is tearing my sweet boy's heart apart.
I asked him what was wrong...and answered "I just love you so much, Mommy." I tried to comfort him and soothe him...telling him that I am here, always here.
As we settled into bed he continued to cry his little heart out...struggling to breath as the sobs wracked his body. I begged him to tell me what was making him cry...but I knew. I knew in my heart that this little boy was letting out emotions that he had been disguising for days...for months...for too long.
He misses his Daddy.
His Dad is off fighting his own demons...miles and miles away addressing some things that should have been confronted long ago. But this past weekend he was home and Max was able to visit him. When Max returned home on Sunday he explained that Daddy had given him something "special." It is a gold coin to hold...and his Daddy told him when he begins to miss him to hold it in his hand and talk to God - and God will tell Daddy what he says.
The crying continues until I ask Max if he wants his gold coin. With a slight nod, he acknowledges everything I had assumed. As soon as the coin is in his hand, his sobs become a whimper and he clinches it with everything he has. He silently sends his prayer up and begins to fall asleep. His heavy eyes close...and here I am. Left to unravel all that has transpired. It is twisted around me and I feel imprisoned...having no way to untangle myself or my sweet little man. Feeling like a failure for not having the words to explain or the touch to heal our broken hearts.
So I will lay down next to him...savoring the smell of his freshly washed hair, praying to my Savior that He will give me the strength to get up in the morning and put on a smile for my little one - so that I am able to show him it is another day and we will make it. We will overcome the tangled mess I've made of our lives.